No doubt your history teacher failed to tell you of the long-lost Yagahl tribe, which apparently thrived on snowy mountainsides 6,000 years before Mike Huckabee believes the Earth even existed and consisted of one Jamaican (Mona Hammond), one Maori (Cliff Curtis), and a whole lot of white people sporting dreadlocked wigs and dirt on their faces in order to appear more ethnic. The aspiring hero of this tribe was DLeh (Steven Strait)pronounced delay, which is pretty funny considering how needlessly slow the story can bewho risked everything for the love of the only woman in the world with blue eyes (Camilla Belle). Her name was Evolet, and we're told that means the promise of life in whatever made-up language these people are supposed to be speaking. When Evolet gets kidnapped by evil four-legged demons (i.e., guys on horses), its up to white-boy DLeh to rally together various tribes of black and brown people to save his girlfriend and, as an entirely secondary matter, free a whole mess of slaves. Director Roland Emmerich knows his money shots: Any time he throws some mastodons or giant dodos on the screen for a little beast-battlin action, he has our attention. But his lack of skill with actors really shows during the long moments of downtime in between: Strait desperately needs direction, and doesnt seem to be getting it. — Luke Y. Thompson